Trans people have all sorts of extra emotional work that most other people don’t have to do, like forgiveness.
Many of us struggle with forgiving ourselves. We mourn the months and years of living in self-denial and the lost opportunities for happiness as we struggled towards accepting we were trans and finally doing something about it. I know I still do.
There are also those that we need to forgive because they are supportive and mean well, but sometimes come across as patronizing or treat you like they are indulging a child in a game of make-believe. We often forgive them right after we educate them about the inescapable nature of being trans.
Then there are all the people in our lives that have earned our forgiveness after initially rejecting or wronging us. These are often family members or friends who may have said or done some hurtful things before swinging around to supporting us. My mom is a good example of someone who angrily rejected me and has since come around to be a very solid supporter.
Lastly, there’s there are the jerks that constantly deadname us or the cashiers at the store who emphasize saying ‘ma’am’ with a smirk. There are also the people who tell you you’re a sinner, a pervert, a freak and wish genocide upon you. Forgiving them is harder, much harder.
There’s a saying in English, ‘Forgive and forget.’ I used to think that this meant that after you forgave someone, you could forget about the thing you were forgiving someone for.
I’ve since come to the understanding that what I forget when I forgive someone is the weight of the thing I took on when they wrong me. I still remember what they did, but it no longer has any power to anger or sadden me because I’ve let that go.
What this means in practice is that I have much less of a chip on my shoulder around the gender stuff than I used to. It’s a good space to be in and nice to not be carrying around all that extra emotional weight.
* Most of my energy has been going into the emotional space post-transition and post-divorce, and I wanted to focus my weekly posts within the broader emotional context of transition and have them be more freeform. My previous format of focusing on how HRT was changing me was starting to feel constraining since most of the changes due to HRT have either slowed or stopped after more than two years of treatment.
Dose: 8 mg/day estradiol via tablets, split into AM/PM doses of 4mg/4mg.
[Looking for detailed information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read my Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post. You might also be interested in The Trans Woman’s Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Tracking Chart I created.]