Being trans involves waiting around a whole bunch.
We wait to do anything about it until we can’t bear it any more. We wait for approval to begin medical intervention. We wait to meet arbitrary elapsed time intervals before being approved to take next steps. We wait until we have the nerve to transition. We wait for the coast to be clear before we go out, go into the bathroom, or buy clothes. We wait for hormones to do their thing and hope we haven’t waited too long before starting them. We wait for the first time someone calls us ma’am. We wait for our hair to grow out or grow back. We wait for electrolysis to be done. We wait in doctor’s and psychologist’s offices. We wait at the pharmacy. We wait for people to get our name and pronouns right. We wait for acceptance. We wait for court dates to change our names. We wait on amended birth certificates. We wait for new ID and debit cards and credit cards. We wait for mail to our new names to start and mail to our old names to stop. We wait to see how big our boobs grow. We wait for our bodies to catch up to our brains and our brains to catch up to our bodies. We wait to be loved for who we are, not what we are.
We wait things out. We wait begrudgingly. We wait expectantly. We wait angrily. We wait excitedly. We wait pensively. We wait happily. We wait sadly. We wait tiredly. We wait resignedly. We wait joyfully. We wait dejectedly. We can’t wait.
We wait it all.
We wait and wait and wait.
All those moments spent waiting instead of living make most trans people the oldest youngest people you’ll ever meet. We’re old souls who have learned to embrace patience or at least wrestle it down and punch it in the kidney now and then to get what we need. We’re good at this because we’ve had a lot of time to think about time and how’s it’s passing.
We think about how we’ll live our lives once we start hormones, transition, or have surgery. We think about how we’ll live our lives if we can’t start hormones, transition, or have surgery.
And then we wait some more.
And every moment we’re waiting, our lives are on pause and we aren’t living. We hover like Schrödinger’s cat in an alive/not alive state, which often makes many of us go through phases where we’re both vital and empty husks.
I can’t wait to see who I’ll be tomorrow.
Dose: 8 mg/day estradiol via tablets, split into AM/PM doses of 4mg/4mg.
[Looking for detailed information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read my Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post. You might also be interested in The Trans Woman’s Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Tracking Chart I created.]