I have my own beauty

Some days I’m harder on myself than others. The really hard ones are when I’ve had to grow my whiskers out for electrolysis and I’m feeling fat. On those days, I feel like I’m the ugliest woman in the world and I wonder why I even bothered to transition.

On those days, the mirror reflects to my eyes a rapidly aging person in between a man and a woman. That makes me feel like I’ve defrauded myself pursuing a life I wonder if I can ever really live.

When I go out on those days, it feels like every eye that passes over me passes judgement and that the verdict is failure. In the fun-house mirrors of my mind, courtesy feels like condescension, smiles twist to smirks, and my body is a misshapen travesty.

And it’s on those days that I especially practice my mantra:

“I have my own beauty.”

I see another woman that makes me feel like I’ll never be a tenth of attractive as she is?

“I have my own beauty.”

I feel like my height and hands and feet clumsily pantomime femininity?

“I have my own beauty.”

I wish my boobs were bigger and that I had hips?

“I have my own beauty.”

I try on clothes that I really, really want and find them hopeless on my body?

“I have my own beauty.”

I’m feeling unlovable, unwanted, undesirable?

“I have my own beauty.”

I repeat it over and over and over and over to remind myself:

“I have my own beauty.”

I will always be the striking tall girl with big hands and feet. Short of surgical intervention, I will always have a prominent brow ridge and big nose. But,

“I have my own beauty.”

I will keep telling myself this until I don’t worry about all those other things, which really don’t matter anyway, because I have my own beauty.

©Heather Coldstream

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About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.
This entry was posted in mental health, observations, random, self-acceptance, transgender and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to I have my own beauty

  1. croftale says:

    Well stated. I find myself often falling into that comparison trap. When my voice is particularly gravelly, I remind myself that Bea Arthur didn’t have a real feminine pitch, nor does Angie Harmon, or Susan St. James.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Catherine Margaronis says:

    I’m sure you’ll find small comfort in this, but please know cis women go through this too. Yes I understand I don’t have to contend with chin whiskers, but many cis women do! I’m tall for a cis woman and I spent my teenage years self castigating my height I have big feet. I have a nose I didn’t embrace back in the day. I guess I’m just trying to communicate to you that, well, welcome to womanhood where almost ALL of us have spent a lot of time SO not appreciating many of our features because they don’t mimic the 5’8″ 105 pound starlet on every cover of every damned woman’s magazine. We will continue to spend eons looking in the mirror and telling ourselves: I Have My Own Beauty! When I asked my husband of 19 years, what did you find most attractive about me when we started dating? His answer: your incredible self confidence! (Me: Really?!) So dear beautiful lady–fake it til you make it! Self confidence and showing comfort in your own skin is one of the most attractive and beautiful parts of each of us. I hope everyday you’re able to see yourself in the mirror and know that even if your beauty is not traditional, not always to your liking, not perfection, that it’s unique and it’s YOU finally getting to live your female life as your true, most authentic self. Now THAT’S so beautiful! XO

    Liked by 1 person

    • cistotrans says:

      Thanks for the kind words, Catherine! When I find myself tensing up, or overthinking all of this, I just try to let it all go and relax. Living my life is the best thing ever and if people don’t appreciate my beauty, their loss!

      Like

  3. Pingback: Hello, World! Part five. | Becoming Me

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