Week 130 – It’s a phase

It’s hardly been more than three months since I transitioned and I’m already feeling the pinch from the hard grind of daily reality.

It’s the, “Your dad…” the neighbor kids say to my kids.

It’s the, “Yes, sir…” I get on the phone.

It’s the, “My name used to be…” when I have to untangle something.

It’s every puzzled and lecherous look.

It’s every piece of clothing I want that doesn’t fit.

It’s every perfunctory conversation with friends of my ex that I have to see because our kids are friends.

It’s every friend that doesn’t respond any more.

It’s feeling the price I’ve paid in loneliness.

It’s the tedium of primping makeup and hair.

It’s the purse I fumble with and the pockets I don’t have.

It’s my broad shoulders, my big feet, my brow ridge, and my big hands.

It’s wondering if I’ll ever be done with electrolysis.

It’s my voice that fails me after a while, leaving me coughing.

It’s wondering what on my body I should have cut, hammered, and sewn.

It’s thinking about detransitioning, and going back to a life when some things were easier.

It’s knowing that would be folly for me.

It’s wondering if I’ll ever really fit in anywhere.

It’s knowing that forward is the only way.

It’s hoping this phase passes quickly.

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About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.
This entry was posted in HRT, transgender, transition and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Week 130 – It’s a phase

  1. georgiakevin says:

    ((((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))

    Like

  2. georgiakevin says:

    You write soo much with soo few words, this post is powerful!

    Like

  3. bethanyk says:

    This is so powerful and raw and vulnerable all at the same time. It’s inspiring and heart wrenching. My good friend transitioned in her 50’s. It was freeing yet isolating because of other people. I hate other people that make being who you are their issue instead of just letting you be. If it werent for others unaccepting ways and societies expectations for this perfect outer shell then i would be so much happier. I wish i didnt care what others think but their thoughts cross over into mine and then i judge myself. I must move forward being me but this me is taking getting used to. I have simply transitioned into living in the truth and i was used to living in denial. It is hard to get used to. Sorry for rambling on your blog! I just resonated with your thoughts just for different reasons

    Liked by 2 people

    • cistotrans says:

      Oh it’s quite all right for the ramble! Thank you for stopping by and sharing. I’m discovering that the release from anticipation about living my truth is a bit of a letdown in the reality of it afterwards. It’s not that living a truthful life is wrong, it’s just doesn’t measure up to the unreasonable expectations I had put on it. The truth is the truth, nothing more, nothing less. Sometimes it helps us soar and other times it drags us down. I’m also discovering that how I react to those highs and lows are the most important things for me to be mindful of. Other people will do their thing, just like they did when I was hiding in plain sight. You’re right that many expect the perfect shell on the outside. It’s so much work! Take care.

      Like

  4. Lesboi says:

    I feel you on so much of this. Hang in there because it will get easier. The middle is the hardest part I think.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. cistotrans says:

    I’m made it to the middle? 🙂 I’m sort of expecting that things will get easier after the first year. When did the middle end for you?

    Like

  6. amy says:

    thanks for what you share with us. ‘hugs’ is the word it deserves.

    Liked by 1 person

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