Week 140 – A Year

While my official transition date was April 1, for me it feels like it was really October 12, because that was the day I no longer needed to pretend I wasn’t going to transition. It became a matter of when, not if.

My ex moved out, I became a part-time single parent, and I started a new job. The rest of the last year was also busy.

There was the intense relationship that fizzled, transition at work—the last place I wasn’t out, finalizing my divorce, and being asked to leave my job a few months ago. 

Throw in my first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthday as myself, dealing with the fallout from an ex-father-in-law that showed up to ‘help’ by trying to proselytize my kids and their cousin and who hightailed it out of town after it was clear that wasn’t helpful leaving everyone pissed off or hurt, marking my first wedding anniversary post-divorce, and now being on the cusp of working freelance.

It’s been an eventful, stressful, and exhausting year!

This is not a complaint. Many of the things that happened have been positive things. It has been a lot to absorb and ride through. Lunch with a friend this week put it all into perspective for me when I confided and confirmed to her my ex’s substance abuse. She looked at me in shock and said, “How do you do it? I’d be a mess.”

I laughed, because I am a mess. I’ve had some good counseling along the way, which has helped.

But I do feel worn. This year has taken its toll on me. I feel older, aged. Exhaustion has felt closer at hand than in times past and feels deeper. My reserves are low.

So I’ll keep muddling along in my messy life until it isn’t as messy. I don’t know when that’ll be, but at least I’ll be doing it as myself.

©Heather Coldstream

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About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.
This entry was posted in coming out, transgender and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Week 140 – A Year

  1. croftale says:

    You got this Heather.! I can relate. I transitioned to full time in July. Last month my son became emancipated as he had turned 21 and no longer in college. So I filed for end of child support. I was paying nearly $2k a month. She countered for alimony at an even higher rate than the chd support. I waited almost two weeks for the judge to rule. I was a basket case. Had she prevailed I would have been bankrupt. I had to send out another payment while waiting and two days later he ruled in our favor. So keep the faith. Things may seem bad but it does get better. As my psych told me, it is only a moment un time.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. candicejune says:

    I have not been through the issues you have yet. but I do feel your pain of feeling drained on this whole transitioning. Go girl you got this. You will be ok hun.

    Liked by 1 person

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