Week 165 – My one year transition anniversary

In some of my darkest pre-transition days, loneliness stalked me and often hurled barbs that burrowed and injected poison like bee stings when I tried to pull them out.

It would whisper things like, ‘Nobody will want to be around you if you transition. Who wants to be around a freak?’ and, ‘You’ll never be happy and no one wants to be around unhappy people,’ and then mockingly jeer, ‘Your wife will leave you if you transition and the only people who will want you are fetishists.’

This internal narrative was often hard to ignore when I felt like a freak, was almost constantly depressed, and chasers with their dick pics would pop up online like diseased mushrooms.

My one year full-time transition anniversary was April 1 and I am now very, very far away from that dark place.

There are days when I still feel lonely, but I can call a friend and they welcome doing things with me. There are days I get down, but it’s no longer a state of being. While I’m not in a relationship now, I did have one for a while post-transition and have also been on some dates; I am not un-lovable or unwanted.

Deciding to transition was the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life and many of my fears came true.

My wife did leave me, but that’s a good thing as I was trying to lean on her in a way she couldn’t support. Now I’m free to find someone who wants to be with me instead of tolerate me.

I still get unhappy sometimes, but instead of falling into the dark pit of despair it’s more of a cloudy day.

The dick pics still show up, but they are gnats I brush away in my confidence that for someone special, I’m worth getting to know for reasons beyond my genitalia and trans-ness.

Transition works for gender dysphoria but sometimes it was like chemotherapy where getting to the cure is a rough ride. I had a very rough ride but my life has been transformed for the better.

It was all worth it and I look forward to the years ahead.

©Heather Coldstream


Please consider supporting my writing by buying one of my poetry collections from the Kindle store!

2016: Poems from a Year of Change

Uncertain: Poems About Gender Transition

Thank you!

Advertisements

About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.
This entry was posted in coming out, gender transition, LGBT, personal history, self-acceptance, transgender and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Week 165 – My one year transition anniversary

  1. trixwoodz says:

    Congratulations Heather, and Happy Birthday of sorts!! I’m envious. I like to read that the dark days lessen to mere cloudiness. I’ve not transitioned. Yet. But my ex needed a man, not the woman I know I am, and divorced me five years ago. Still closeted, but I’m taking baby steps to be me. Be yourself, and love will find you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Connie Dee Ingalls says:

    Transitioning is hard work, but not as hard as it is to sort through all of the fears that keep us from making the decision to begin it. I know now, with 20/20 hindsight, that I could have begun 15 years earlier than I did – with all the fears that I had allowed to paralyze me then still the same 15 years later. Internalizing the fear really isn’t fair to anyone, either, as it causes one to be less-than- honest with self and others. Where my depression came almost completely as the result of my dishonesty before, my honesty now, at least, has given me and everyone concerned reason to deal with (our) transition openly. It will never end, I know, but it’s so wonderful to live life honestly AND fearlessly.

    Happy anniversary, Heather!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s