Author Archives: cistotrans

About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.

OMG! (Deadname)!

One great thing about my new girlfriend is meeting her friends and expanding my social circle. My girlfriend’s best friend (GBF) lives in the Columbia City area of Seattle and we went down Friday night so I could meet GBF … Continue reading

Posted in coming out, friends, gender transition, LGBT, observations, personal history, self-acceptance, transgender, transition | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

Meditations on belonging

Belonging is something I’m still working on. I still don’t know how being trans influences belonging. My first inkling I didn’t belong in a group was when I was around four years old. Most of my neighbors were girls and … Continue reading

Posted in coming out, gender transition, LGBT, observations, personal history, self-acceptance, transgender, transition | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

The shifting sands of dysphoria

My experience with gender dysphoria has changed over the years. It first expressed itself in childhood as a diffuse desire to be like my grandmother and mother with regards to social roles. As puberty hit, it changed to an intense … Continue reading

Posted in coming out, gender transition, LGBT, observations, personal history, self-acceptance, transgender, transition | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Jumper cables

I get in the car, turn the key, and nothing happens. I’d only gone into the grocery store for maybe thirty minutes after a 75-mile drive without a stop. I’ve never had trouble with my car starting before, so I … Continue reading

Posted in gender transition, LGBT, personal history, transgender, transition | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

The aperture of happiness

There was no light for parts of my gender journey. Darkness closed in around me as I struggled to figure out what to do. I felt my way along in the dark, bruising my shins and falling down hard a … Continue reading

Posted in coming out, gender transition, LGBT, observations, self-acceptance, transgender, transition | Tagged , , , , , | 9 Comments

On intimate loneliness

Intimate loneliness gnaws at my bones like a starving dog worrying for marrow. The frisson of desire and the pleasures of rubbing flesh are easy enough to sate–there are many people who find trans women desirable, but they are the … Continue reading

Posted in coming out, gender transition, LGBT, personal history, relationships, transgender, transition | Tagged , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

The ivy is choking you – week 180

English ivy is a noxious weed where I live and I hate it. It’s also a perfect fucking metaphor for gender dysphoria. Left alone to grow, its leaf cover and epiphytic roots will choke trees and understory plants and take … Continue reading

Posted in coming out, gender transition, observations, opinion, personal history, self-acceptance, transgender, transition | Tagged , , , , , | 8 Comments